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Andrea Pinna, possiamo azzardare, è stato il primo influencer italiano, ancora prima che quello che faceva prendesse il nome appunto di influencer. Ha 37 anni e agli albori di facebook apre una pagina che diventa subito popolare "Le perle di Pinna". Poi il successo in tv vincendo Pechino Express, una vita a Milano "bellissima", racconta lui stesso ma che a un certo punto si è spezzata. "Proprio quando ero all'apice della carriera".
Il libro per sentirsi "liberato"
Lo racconta a distanza di qualche anno e tanto silenzio, senza scorciatoie, con un coraggio pazzesco al punto da metterla nero su bianco la sua malattia nella copertina di un libro. Ne Il mio lato B (polare) edito da HarperCollins, Pinna ci racconta i suoi ultimi dieci anni. Tutto, al punto che sua madre che lui chiama vezzeggiando il cognome Panina, dopo aver letto un solo capitolo lo sgrida ironicamente: "Ma non ti vergogni di non avere neppure un segreto".
E se conoscevamo molto bene il suo successo, scopriamo anche la depressione, le droghe, l’alcol, una rapina, il ricovero, i tantissimi demoni, i 22 tentavi di suicidio e finalmente la risalita. Grazie a una diagnosi difficile da accettare disturbo bipolare, (uno dei tipi più gravi, perché "le cose le faccio per bene io"). Ma poi anche e finalmente la giusta terapia farmacologica che non è una pastiglietta magica. Dosarla è un'altra odissea, "Da quando le medicine sono quelle giuste non ho più gli sbalzi d’umore incontrollati, né le crisi".
Ad ascoltarlo capisci molto bene la frase, nessuno si salva da solo ma siamo noi a volerci salvare. Il coraggio di guarire non è una frase a effetto: "A un certo punto sono stato sempre io a trovare il coraggio di andare in clinica, se non avessi firmato nessuno in quella fase avrebbe potuto costringermi".
"Dire che sono bipolare è stato come quando ho rivelato di essere gay"
"Partiamo dal fatto che mia madre è la persona più importante della mia vita. Ma è anche una persona che per formazione ha sempre tenuto conto del giudizio altrui. Un figlio come me le deve essere sempre sembrato strano". Il coming out in famiglia di Tiziano Ferro lo ha aiutato parecchio, perché a sua madre il cantante piace e se anche lui era gay allora non era così grave.
Poi ridendo racconta: "Ora rimpiango un po' di omofobia in famiglia, mamma è arrivata a chiedermi di fidanzarmi in fretta, fare un figlio con la Gpa, precisando che me lo avrebbe tenuto lei a Quartu mentre noi, (non capisco chi) avremmo potuto vivere felici a Milano".
"Il giorno esatto in cui mi sono ammalato"
Era il 2016, "a pensarci era all'apice del successo, avevo vinto Pechino. Sia i social che la tv andavano alla grande ma proprio in quei mesi ho iniziato a non stare bene. Avevo attacchi psicotici di cui non ricordavo nulla, era il mio fidanzato di quel periodo a raccontare cosa era successo alla mia psicoterapeuta. Vedevo e credevo accadessero cose che invece erano tutto frutto della mia mente.
Alla vigilia dei miei 30 anni ero in Sud America e ho avuto una crisi così forte che mi ha paralizzato, fisicamente intendo. Non dormivo da settimane e vivevo al limite, tantissimo troppo alcol. Forse se non avessi fatto quella vita la malattia non si sarebbe manifestata, o invece sì. Chi lo sa. So che un giorno però ho creduto di avere a cena Gina Lollobrigida, Kate Blanchet e Leonardo di Caprio. La mattina dopo mi sono accorto che avevo davvero apparecchiato per quelle persone e avevo vissuto una lunga allucinazione".
La fase down
"Dopo la fase up c'è quella down. Uno può credere che uccidersi sia semplice, non lo è per fortuna. Dici: apri la finestra e buttati. Questo in teoria. Ma per quanto tu lo voglia superare l'istinto di sopravvivenza è complicatissimo
Così ho tentato con farmaci, alcol, droghe. Sono salito sul cornicione del mio palazzo ma non sono riuscito a buttarmi. Quando sei depresso la morte appare l'unica soluzione possibile. Pensi solo a come farla finita. Avrei anche pagato un sicario per ammazzarmi, visto che da solo non avevo il coraggio. Ci ho provato 22 volte. Ma alla fine mi hanno salvato i farmaci. La psichiatria di cui in Italia c'è ancora tanta paura e senza la quale oggi io non sarei qui".
